Summer 2004	Richard L. Roberts, Director

Keys To Being A Helpmate

“Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone;

I will make him a helper suitable for him." ” Genesis 2:18

 

What Kind of Help?

            In what way does a wife help her husband in presenting her to God “sanctified, washed in the water of the word, having no spot or wrinkle, holy and blameless?” A wife must help her husband spiritually. 

            Focus is key!  What is the God-ordained focus of the husband as it relates to his wife?  Is it temporal: nice house, three meals a day, fashionable clothing, modern car, health benefits, good retirement, fun vacations and a superb retirement program?  As a matter of fact, none of those things are even mentioned.  Jesus addressed those things as recorded in Matthew 6:33.  He said God knows our needs.  If we will seek Him and His righteousness above all else He will provide those needs.  A husband need not be concerned with the temporal needs of his wife if he seeks first the kingdom of God and His righteousness.  As such, the husband does not need the help of the wife in these matters, God has already taken care of that.  I like how Jesus said it in Matthew 6:34, "Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”  Isn’t that the Truth!

            The God-ordained role of the husband is to focus on the spiritual needs of his wife.  “To present her to God. . .” is his focus.  Everything he does, as it relates to his wife, must be with that as his focus.  A wife, therefore, must have the same focus.  If she is to help her husband she must be of one mind with him.  Their objective must be the same: That she may be presented to God, “sanctified, washed in the water of the word, having no spot or wrinkle, holy and blameless.”

            It becomes obvious, when we look at the role of husband and wife in light of this Scripture, why it is vital that one not be unequally yoked.  If one spouse is focused on things temporal and the other on things spiritual there will be constant conflict.  Your values will constantly clash!  Even as you discuss the conflict between you, communication cannot take place because the same words mean different things with different values depending on if you are speaking temporally or spiritually.

           

Where Does A Wife Start?

            First, a wife must submit herself completely to Christ.  She must have an intimate personal relationship with Him (John 15:4-5). Without that relationship she won’t know the manner in which she is to submit to her husband, since Christ is the example.  In her submitting to Christ she must understand her submission is about Christ in her, it is not about her.  She cannot, as much as she tries, as focused as she is, submit to her husband in her own strength.  In John 15:5b Jesus said, “. . . apart from Me you can do nothing.”

            As you grow in your abiding relationship with Christ you also grow in your relationship with your husband and your ability to submit to him.  It is only with your eyes on Christ and your life in Him that you will be able to accomplish the next aspect of being a helpmate.

            Second, each wife must submit to her husband as to the Lord (Ephesians 5:22). That is no easy task but that is God’s command.  Again, it cannot be done by focusing on your husband.  He is unworthy; immature; selfish and at times unruly. 

            Your submission cannot be based on his worthiness.  If it is it will crash and burn the first time you see his fallen nature.  Your submission to your husband, as to the Lord, can only be done “in Christ” and “through Christ.” Submitting as to the Lord puts the entire weight of responsibility for leadership on your husband and his relationship with the Lord.  In essence, it forces him to be dependent on God.

 

Misunderstandings

            Submission has gotten a bad rap as of late.  Scriptural submission does not mean being walked on; giving up life as you know it; nor being dominated by another.  It is also NOT an option.  This Scripture does not remove your voice in family matters.  It simply puts it into perspective.

            Each wife, as God’s appointed helpmate to her husband, must draw on who she is in Christ, must be attentive to all the Holy Spirit is teaching her as she reads and studies God’s Word and as she lives in obedience to who God has made her to be. Her’s is a vital role.

 

An Overlooked Teaching

            There is a second command to the wife given to us in Ephesians 5 which is often lost in the discussions of how a wife is to submit and how a husband is to love. Ephesians 5:33 tells us “. . . let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.”

            In the same way there are no preconditions to submitting (verse 22), there are also no preconditions to respecting.  Scripture does not say, “If your husband is worthy of your respect, you are to respect him.” No, it says respect your husband.  The Barnes Commentary says, “The meaning is, that it was the special duty of the wife to show respect for her husband as the head of the family, and as set over her in the Lord.” ¹ Again, her respect is to flow to her husband through her relationship with Christ, not that her husband is worthy but that Christ is worthy and Christ has placed her husband in that position to be respected by her.

            Sadly, there is a lot of rebellion in wives toward their husbands.  They not only don’t respect them, they belittle them to any who would watch or listen.  The current social attitudes toward men make this an easy trap into which to fall.   

            Since at least the time of Archie Bunker in “All In The Family”, dad has been portrayed to the general populous as being out of touch, ignorant and completely unnecessary to the general well-being of things.  Television and radio commercials consistently portray men in a demeaning manner.  It is easy to laugh at these portrayals, forgetting that it demeans the purpose for which man was made; to represent God to his family, to establish the spiritual climate for the household and to be respected for the position to which he has been appointed before God.

 

The Dangers of Disrespect

            The dangers of a wife not respecting her husband are not hard to see, our country is reaping what it has sown.

            A wife who disrespects her husband dishonors God and her family.  Her attitude toward her husband reflects her value of God and her Trust in His control over her family.  It also clearly reflects whether her focus is on God, on her husband or on herself. 

            Every husband is worthy of disrespect.  No husband is perfect.  No husband ALWAYS makes the right decision.  No husband ALWAYS goes about making the decisions correctly.  Every husband is a fallen man with the mind of the flesh waging war against the mind of the Spirit.  Every husband, at some point, has been an utter failure as a husband.  Before God, none of that matters.  Before God, he is to be respected anyway.

            A wife who disrespects her husband sets a bad example to her children and hinders their understanding of obedience to God.  Respecting her husband is a command. If a wife can disrespect her husband she, by her example, is teaching her children to rebel against God’s commands.  Of course, the same can be said if she does not submit to her husband.

 

The Spreading Results

            Parents who rebel against God raise rebellious children.  That is not to say that every child who is rebellious was raised by rebellious parents. It is to say, however, that you can’t teach one thing, live another and expect it to slip by your kids.  If you say Jesus is your Savior and live as though God is an option, your kids are going to pick up on that (James 3:11).

 

Effective Tools

            God has not left us with perfect ideals and no way to implement them.  He has given the tools.  Too often they are ignored.

Prayer

            Each wife should examine how much time she spends praying for the spiritual needs of her husband. What is your husband’s greatest spiritual need this very moment?  What spiritual battles surround your husband? Do you pray in judgement of your husband or in love?  Do you pray believing that God is using him?  As you leave your prayer, are you leaving your husband to God?

 

Another Forgotten Teaching

            A strong Biblical teaching not often taught and even less often applied is that the older women are to be examples to and teach the younger women.

            Older women are to be reverent in behavior, not gossips, nor enslaved to wine and they are to teach what is right.  That which is to be taught is to love their husbands and children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind and being subject to their own husbands.  These teachings are to take place, “. . . that the word of God may not be dishonored.” (Tutus 2:3-5)

            The Scripture is there, where is the application?  Congregational leaders, where are the older women in your congregations teaching the younger?  Is this an option before the Lord or is it a command?

            Women, are you ministering to women younger than you?  Are you teaching the Titus attributes to younger women?  Younger women, to whom are you looking to teach you how to be a faithful wife? Are you being a helpmate?

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¹ from Barnes' Notes, Electronic Database. Copyright (c) 1997 by Biblesoft

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