Passive-aggressive behavior is contagious. It’s easy to let yourself react with frustration or even get passive-aggressive (or maybe aggressive-aggressive) yourself. Now you look like the jerk—not good. The best way to deal with a passive-aggressive coworker is not to get caught in their game. Staying calm, as this respondent in our World Workplace Conflict and Collaboration survey suggests, can make all the difference and reduce the likelihood of passive-aggressive behavior in the future.

What Are Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behaviors?

Let’s start with what we mean by passive-aggressive coworker behavior. The aggressive part is that the person is feeling anger or hostility. The passive part is that they don’t express it directly. Rather, it’s hidden in underhanded ways of power, control, or deception.

For example, a passive-aggressive comment about being passive-aggressive might look like this: “Oh, they always seem to find a way to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. It must be nice to live in a world where you’re never wrong.”

Typical passive-aggressive coworker behaviors include things like:

• Snarky comments
• Bitter, critical, or demeaning humor
• Withholding information
• Backhanded compliments
• Sabotaging your success by failing to meet a commitment

Please, Don’t Say This to Your Passive-aggressive Coworker.

Before we get to the phrases, let’s get one “do not” out of the way: Do not tell someone they’re being passive-aggressive.

It doesn’t work. They’ll get defensive or accuse you of the same thing. After all, how dare you label me? Instead, get some space, stay calm, and use these phrases.

Powerful Phrases for Working with a Passive-Aggressive Coworker

“Is this a pattern?”

This first Powerful Phrase is just for you to ask yourself. All of us have moments where we’re frustrated, don’t know how to express our concerns, or are clumsy. If the specific situation is new and doesn’t have a major implication, it’s worth having some patience and seeing if there is a pattern of passive-aggressive behavior.

“Is this a big deal?”

However, if the passive-aggressive coworker withheld information and made you look bad in front of the executive team, or this is the third time it happened, you’ll do well to address the behavior.

Powerful Phrases to Raise Your Concern

“I noticed that…”

One of the most powerful ways to address passive-aggressive coworker behavior is to describe what happened – calmly. Staying calm avoids playing into their game. Here are three examples:

“I noticed during the meeting you said that ‘It must be nice to be the favorite.’”

“I noticed that in your presentation you included the data that showed your team’s results in one category, but did not include the other three.”

“I’ve noticed that you always cc: my manager on all your emails to me and am curious about what’s happening there?”

For someone who doesn’t have deeply ingrained passive-aggressive behaviors, shining a light on what happened is often all it takes to put a stop to it. You’ll know this person because they say something like “Yeah, you’re right. I was having a bad day” or “Hmm, good point. I don’t need to do that.”

Powerful Phrases to Help Them Feel Heard

“What I hear you saying is…”

When a coworker says something snarky, uses critical humor, or some other passive-aggressive statement, it’s usually because they’re upset or frustrated. Once again, don’t respond to how they said it or even, necessarily to what they said, but to what their words represent.

“What I hear you saying is that you feel like I’m getting more opportunities than I deserve. Is that right?”

If you can say this calmly, and without judgment, you might start a meaningful, authentic conversation about what they’re thinking and feeling. For example, they might agree. “Yeah, I have been frustrated. It seems like everything goes your way.” Or they might disagree, “No, you definitely deserve the opportunities. I’m just frustrated that I’m not getting them too.”

You’ve just unlocked the hidden emotion that they didn’t know how to express—and helped them express it. From there, you might continue with a reflect-to-connect statement. Something like, “Yeah, it can be frustrating when everyone else seems to get the opportunities you want.”

“How can I help?”

Wait, what? You want me to help the obnoxious, passive-aggressive coworker?

Well, maybe. If they shared their frustration, offering your support can build a connection. It also gives them a chance to directly say if you’ve done anything that made the situation worse. You can take responsibility if you need to or look for ways to encourage or support them. In the best case, you’ve turned them into an ally. In the worst case, they won’t have the same animosity and are more likely to leave you alone.

Powerful Phrases to Focus on the Work

“Here is what we’re accountable for.”

Use this one when you have a colleague who makes commitments, but doesn’t follow through and then claims “I forgot” or “I didn’t think that was a full plan.” Document everyone’s commitments and make sure everyone involved has a copy. You’re helping the team get things done and removing the passive-aggressive person’s opportunity to make excuses.

“This is what happened / what I’ve done / what the data says. You can take a look here.”

When a passive-aggressive coworker misrepresents the facts, calmly repeat the truth and invite people to examine the facts for themselves. For example, you might say, “It sounds like there’s a misunderstanding here. I completed these reports. I submitted them and finance approved them at… Here they are if it would be helpful to review.”

“I really want to make this work, and I need your help.”

This is another Powerful Phrase to use with a third party—possibly your manager or human resource representative. If you’ve tried addressing the person and the pattern continues, take time to document the specific instances, including dates, times, and what happened. Then ask for help.

Approach the situation with humility. For example, you might tell your manager, “I’m committed to the team and to making this work. My coworker’s actions here are affecting my ability to do my work, but I’m not having any luck addressing it. I need your help.

Most passive-aggressive behavior happens because the person doesn’t know how to get what they need in a more direct way. Addressing the behavior calmly and directly can help defuse the conflict. It’s not your job to change the other person (and you can’t even if you want to). But with these Powerful Phrases, you can improve the relationship and sometimes gain a colleague.

See Also:

Should I Quit This Workplace Conflict: How to Know When It’s Time to Leave

Powerful Phrases to Win With a Moody Boss: Even a Dropper of F-Bombs

The post How to Talk With a Passive-Aggressive Coworker (And Not Play Their Game) appeared first on Let's Grow Leaders.

“I went to my boss with a great idea, and she said, “Go see what your coworkers think.” They’re already so busy and overwhelmed, I’m finding it hard to get their attention. What should I do?” How do I convince my coworkers I have a great idea?  #AskingforaFriend

Why It’s Important So Important to Get Your Coworkers on Board with Your Great Idea

Your great idea could make work (and life) better for everyone and could have a real impact on the results of the organization. And, your boss is far more likely to embrace your new idea when everyone else is talking about the benefits too. With more people in support, your idea will be easier to implement.

Quite notably, participants in our strategic leadership and team innovation programs said that when they shared their great ideas and spoke up courageously at work they felt “excited,” “proud,” and “accomplished.”

If you’re ready to help your organization bust through the notion of “that’s the way we’ve always done it” and share your ideas so you can innovate for progress and results, start here.

5 Ways to Get Your Coworkers to Embrace Your Great Idea

1. Be a great listener yourself (reciprocate)

If you want people to listen to your ideas, make it a habit to listen to theirs. If you have a reputation for caring about your peers and supporting their efforts, they’re more likely to take you and your idea seriously.

2. Know what matters most to them, and communicate your idea in that context

As you listen, you may find real barriers or needs you can address as you develop your great idea.

3. Talk them through the “how” of your idea

Show them that you’ve thought through the idea with tangible actions. Show them the “how” with step-by-step action items and expected results. As you break it down it won’t appear so overwhelming.

4. Anticipate their objections and concerns, and speak to them directly

Anticipating and speaking to your co-worker’s objections as early as possible in the conversation is a great way to get them to listen. Try saying…”If I were you I might be wondering… (and then fill in the anticipated concern).” Be thoughtful about how you respond to concerns and stay open to many points of view.

5. Articulate your “ask”

Be clear with what you need from your coworkers and request just one commitment from them at a time. You might say…

“So to move forward with this great idea, here’s the support I need from you…
“Just a thumbs up when I raise the idea in our next MS Teams meeting”
Or,
“I’m thinking that if each of us spent (insert required time) this month, we could knock this out.”
Or,
“I’m looking for a few customers to try this with. Would you be open to helping me find the customers we could work with on this?”

And what would you add as #6? How would you suggest this friend position their great idea with their coworkers? What’s worked for you in the past?

Ready to rally YOUR team for breakthrough results with Let’s Grow Leaders?

Establish a Courageous Culture of critical thinkers, problem solvers, and customer advocates in your organization with a Team Innovation Challenge or Executive Leadership Workshop. These strategic innovation events – in person or virtual – will help shape the culture of your organization, skyrocket employee engagement, and clear the path for great ideas and increased team innovation.

Let’s Grow Leaders programs are highly customized to your organization’s needs, hands-on, practical, and interactive. Get ready for leadership development that sticks.

See Also: Our Training Magazine Webinar on 7 Practical Ways to Be a Bit More Daring

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When it comes to building a network of strategic advisors, it’s natural to look to people with more position power, access, and influence as your primary go-to’s. Yes, you want a productive relationship with your boss, a mentor who will challenge you, and—if you’re really lucky—a genuine sponsor opening doors. But don’t overlook the importance of a network of strong peer relationships.

4 Vital Peer Relationships To Nurture

• • An Encourager
  • A Challenger
  • An Advocate
  • A Technical Advisor

  

  Whenever anyone asks me what leadership lessons I wished I’d learned sooner, I always have the same response.

  “I wish I’d invested in deeper and more meaningful peer relationships way sooner than I did.”

  This goes beyond, “having a best friend at work,” (which according to Gallup only 30% of us have— which is too bad— since those who do are more engaged and productive).

  I’m talking about having a deep network of strategic advisors to help you win.

  It’s natural to focus on building a great relationship with your manager. And of course, as a human-centered leader, you focus on connecting with and developing your team.

  But a deliberate investment in go-to coworker relationships matters just as much (or even more).

  And the good news is that, unlike your manager, who is who they are (and may or may not be able to give you all the support you need), you likely have a number of peers to choose from.

  So, you can gather your go-to peer relationships based on what they do best. And you can leverage what you do best to help them.

  Here are four key peer relationship players to get you started. What would you add?

  1. An Encourager

  This is the peer you can trust to pick you up when you’re feeling down. You can vent about setbacks and they’ll remind you how wonderful you are.

  They’re your “You’ve got this” go-to.

  If you’re not getting the appreciation or recognition you crave, your encourager can help you feel seen for who you are, what you’re contributing, and remind you of how important all that is.

  Your encourager will shut the door and let you be a bit vulnerable, so you can face your team (or boss … or that mean dude in the other department) with confidence.

  2. A Challenger

  When it comes to peer relationships, your challenger plays quite a different role from your encourager. While your encourager reminds you of how smart you are, your challenger asks tough and courageous questions that really make you think.

  “Are you sure that’s the best approach?”

  “Have you considered what would happen if you just stopped doing that?”

  “What did you learn from that mistake?”

  When you ask your challenger how you could have presented that I.D.E.A. more effectively, you can count on her to tell you the truth.

  3. An Advocate

  An executive sponsor is great, but let’s face it, they’re not always around. And you don’t want to be consistently running to them asking for their help. Having an advocate or two in your peer relationships network can really make a difference.

  Advocates serve a variety of roles, from bolstering your reputation, “You know who’s the best at this?” to bringing up your name for special projects or opportunities.

  Of course, if you want folks to advocate for you, the best approach is to be a staunch advocate for others.

  4. A Technical Advisor

  Even if you’re the best at what you do, it’s always good to build peer relationships with someone who is even better at the technical aspects of your role.

  They’re up on the latest industry trends. Or perhaps they’ve got tons more experience, or they’re fresh out of school with a different perspective. Maybe they’re just wicked smart.

  Your technical advisor might not be the best encourager, or may even be a bit rough around the edges, but they’ll help you to get it right.

  How to Build These Important Coworker Relationships

  Of course, building genuine peer relationships starts with generosity. Need a technical advisor? Start by considering what you may offer them. Maybe you can be an encourager or an advocate for them before you seek out their technical expertise.

  Back in my Verizon days, one of my favorite peers, Dan, and I were always advocating for one another—but for completely different things. He was my technical expert— he knew everything about the network and call center operations. And I was his HR and team development sounding board. AND, we were constantly bringing up one another’s names when we saw opportunities that were a great fit.

  Highly reciprocal. But not forced. And heck yeah, if Gallup had asked, I would have said I had a best friend at work. And yes, we were both highly productive and engaged.

  Things to Learn about Your Trusted Coworkers

  Of course, relationships like this need to evolve, but a bit of deliberate conversation can help. Here are few things to work to know about the people with whom you’re working on investing in deeper peer relationships.

  • What’s their MIT (Most Important Thing) that they’re working on (and why is that so important)?
  • Who is important to them in their lives (significant others, friends, pets)?
  • What’s challenging them or frustrating them?
  • How do they like to communicate?
  • What do they need from you (how can you best help)?
  • How can they best help you? (And have you asked for it?)

  Your turn. I’d love to hear your stories of great peer relationships. How did you help one another?

  

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Dear Karin and David,

How do I stay motivated when my peers are lazy? I’m working twice as hard as them and I’m sick of picking up the slack. My boss doesn’t seem to notice.

Signed,

Tired and Frustrated #AskingForAFriend

If Your Peers are Lazy: A Few Dos and Dont’s

Dear Tired and Frustrated,

We’ve both been there, and you have a right to be frustrated. Keep in mind that these peers are temporary, but your track record is forever. Don’t let the #$#%@#%@# slackers tank your hard work. Here are a few do’s and don’ts to consider.

1. DO keep rocking your role.
   Stay focused on your MITs (most important things) to serve your customers and the business. Stay creative. Chances are your boss is picking up a lot more than you know. Performance management conversations happen behind closed doors. I wish we could tell you how many performance issues we’ve dealt with that we longed to share with the high-performers we knew were frustrated, but couldn’t. Be sure you keep building your brand with a strong track record of results and collaborative relationships.
2. DON’T gossip or whine about the scene.
   Whatever you do, don’t let their bad behaviors turn you into a jerk. Take the high road, and count on karma. 
   
3. DO ask your boss how you can help.
   Resist the temptation to start with the words,  “I know we’ve got a lazy team…,” if it’s true, she already knows. Use this as an opportunity to become go-to support. With a team of slackers, she can use all the help she can get and will be grateful for your support (and a grateful boss can never hurt).
4. DON’T become a victim. 
   You don’t have to do their work. Stay focused on your deliverables and nail them. If your co-worker consistently drops the ball, let him experience a few of the consequences. Do your best to foster a culture of accountability.
5. DO build a network of support.
   Seek out folks with similar ambition and work ethic to support and challenge you. Find a mentor. Seek out peers on other teams. Take on a leadership role in a professional association.  Genuine connections are lighter fluid on the fire of motivation. Find people who get you and you admire and find ways to spend more time together.
6. DO speak the truth.
   (Or as we often say: “Ditch the Diaper Genie“) When a team member breaks a promise or doesn’t deliver on their commitment to you, it’s often useful to have a healthy conversation about it. Start by observing the behavior. e.g. “I noticed that the report you said you’d get me isn’t in my email.” Note the consequences: “We can’t take care of the customer without that information.” Then invite them into the conversation: “What’s happening there? When can you have it to me?” Sometimes just the act of personalizing work and connecting what you need to why you need it can help slackers pick up their pace.

Who wants to play? What advice would you give Tired and Frustrated?

Have a leadership or management question? Send it here and we’ll do our best to share our perspective.

The post My Peers Are Lazy: How Do I Stay Motivated? appeared first on Let's Grow Leaders.

Your peers aren’t evaluating you on an employee engagement survey or writing your performance appraisal. Often they have competing agendas, and of course, you know it’s you against them in the stack rank.

So many of us buckle down, approach our peers with cautious pleasantries, and watch our backs.

Real trust develops when no one is watching…when you’ve got something to lose, and choose to be vulnerable anyway.

5 Ways to Get Your Peers to Trust You

Building trusting peer relationships starts with you. Here’s how.

1. Get Naked

Well not all the way, but at least take off your parka and mittens. Let them know what scares you. People trust those they can see. Share a vulnerability or two, and then wait for it. It might not happen right away, but stay open and investing as trust grows.

2. Give More Than You Receive

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone into a company and seen two teams with the same objectives, doing the same work, both with best practices that they’re completely keeping to themselves. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” is old school. Show your great idea first without worrying about what comes next.

3. Take a Field Trip

I learned this from one of my direct reports in my sales exec role. His peers in the finance department were not approving contracts for a subset of our customers. My deeply southern district manager got in the car and drove three hours for an old-fashioned visit. They had some sweet tea, cleared up misconceptions, developed a streamlined communication protocol, and our acceptance rate for that market skyrocketed. These were qualified customers that “didn’t look good on paper.” But the paper didn’t do them justice.

4. Lose a Battle

You don’t care equally about every issue. Know what’s worth going to the mat for, and what isn’t. A few concessions can gain you the reputation of being “easy to work with.” When you really need something, they’ll be more likely to trust your motives.

5. Lift Them Up

As a customer service director, my friend Dan and I stumbled on this one by accident. We were peers (who were always stack ranked against one another), but we also realized we had different gifts. I’m embarrassed to admit, he went first. He rolled up his sleeves and helped me tremendously on the operations side. He even silently sat in on a few tough customer calls and privately messaged me with what to do while I was getting my sea legs.

I then came to his region and helped him attack his employee engagement issues.

In every operations review, we genuinely credited one another with our success. A high-tide rises all boats.

Don’t overlook the importance of trust amongst peers. It’s harder, it makes a difference, the big guys notice, and the relationships last a lifetime.

Are you looking to take your team to the next level? Please give me a call at 443-750-1249 for a free consultation.

Other Posts that Might Help

Why Your Peers Are Getting Snarky

How Do I Stay Motivated When My Peers Are Lazy

4 Powerful Ways to Get Feedback From Your Peers

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